WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It's official drugs can't kill me
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Randomize
