At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
