My girlfriend figured out who you are.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
