Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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