Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
