Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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