He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
