Pants 0. Shit 1.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
