Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
