I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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