I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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