I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
