I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
