my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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