he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
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