Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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