I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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