My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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