one two three fourrrrnication!
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
