Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize