If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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