if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
