Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
