I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize