life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
