I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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