I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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