My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
