I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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