alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
