You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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