They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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