your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
