My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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