went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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