Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
where are my eyebrows?
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