My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
try to milk me bitch
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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