I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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