Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
