I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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