My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I touched a dick in church today
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
