so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
