when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
