3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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