I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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