Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
