Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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