I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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