I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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