Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
