worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
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