My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
What drink are we having for lunch?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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