How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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