put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
