We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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