i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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