If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Randomize
