My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
