He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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