I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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