It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
