Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
