im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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