Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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