I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I think I sprained my soul last night
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
