I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
